Happy Saturday!
“Mother’s just so disappointed.”
To a five year old – these can be wounding words. Especially if that five year old (me) had worked really hard to put every toy away, to have made my bed and dress myself for my first day of school.
What was my egregious error? I had put on the same shirt that I had worn the day before.
That was the first time I remember the words “Mother’s just so disappointed” being laid upon me; making an “impress” on my psyche. For whatever reason – her tool for coaching was to emphasize her disappointment.
I remember getting my first report card that had actual letter grades posted on it. I had gotten all “A’s” and “B”’s I was so proud! Proud enough to run all the way home to show her – and everyone else along the way! Mr. McCoy at the corner market proclaimed “Great Job Jack!” as he swept the leaves from the front of his store. Mrs. Husdon was walking her little Jack Russell Terrier and she patted me on the head and said “Your mama is going to be so proud”.
“Mother!” I shouted breathlessly from the back entryway into the kitchen where she was working. “ I’m home and here’s my report card.” You’re going to be so happy! Even Mr. McCoy and Mrs. Hudson said I had done – really well!” As soon as I said those words the arms that had reached out to hug me suddenly dropped to her side.
“You showed your report card to everyone else before you showed it to me? Mother’s just so disappointed. “ The impress was made even deeper. Sensing her error, she rallied around and even told me that she was proud – but the moment was lost for me.
For my mom – “stressing her disappointment” was her ultimate parental trump card. It may have served her needs – giving her the opportunity to put in the correction whenever she felt it was appropriate. But for me it created such a impress - I felt as if my psyche had an expressway running through it. The “I’m not worthy” Impress Expressway.
Throughout my academic endeavors, professional career and even my volunteer and scared service giving, I always anticipated the words….”great job Jack – but we’re disappointed that…” “Great term paper Jack, but were disappointed that you didn’t catch these typos, so we’re going to have to give you a “B” not an “A”.
“Great Power Point presentation on your recruitment project Jack, but we’re disappointed that you didn’t include the results from last year so we could have done a comparison.” “Great sermon Rev. Jack, but I’m disappointed that you didn’t have my daughter sing before the offering rather than afterwards. Her song would have been more impactful.”
Every time I hear such words my inter being – my very Spirit – recalls those first words spoken on that first day of school nearly fifty years ago. “Mother’s just so disappointed.” It’s as if she’s saying: No matter how hard you try – you just can’t get it right.” Thus making the Impress Expressway and bit wider, longer and even in some places a two tiered freeway.
What’s different today? Today I throw up a road block. I call it the Rev. Andriette “Tain’t so” road block. In fact my “Impress Expressway” is filled with those “Taint so” road blocks. Some parts have been torn down completely. “Taint so” reminds me of what I learn a long time again when I started to study metaphysics.
The first metaphysical words I ever paid attention to where “What You Think of Me – Is None of My Business”. It was the title of Rev. Terry Cole-Whittaker’s first book. It was if she had written the book just for me.
The book taught me two things that I’ve carried all my life. First, it’s what I think of myself that matters most. What others say – matters more to them than it ever will to me – and I will never fully know why they said – what they said – and it is a waste of my time to try to figure it out.
Secondly, when others speak - my job is to listen, and ask myself (silently and prayerfully) “Spirit does any of this serve me? What is the “Truth” within their words that I need to hear?”
Today if someone chooses to “put in the correction” and begins to tell me “how it should be” or they commence to tell me how disappointed they are in me” I affirm silently to myself “Taint so.” By doing so it allows me to say with a smile. “Ah thank you for sharing that with me. I know it was important to you to say this.” And then I politely walk away trusting that if Spirit did have a truth for me to hear, I would hear it and incorporate it into my psyche where it would manifest into good. As so it is! Rev. Jack
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