In August of 2008, I had published over 100 columns with the Tracy Press. The following article received the most email, phone calls and comments from folks I've run into. In these tough economic times it seemed to touch a cord with many many people. Many of you have asked that I post it here. Enjoy! - Rev. J
“If you want to change the direction of a waterfall –all you have to do is change (move) one rock.“
For me this metaphor offered by my mentor and psychologist, ignited an “ah ha” moment. It reminded me that when it feels like life is “out of control” we can shift the momentum by changing just one thing. Anything – the secret is to take action – just move one rock. Do something - anything. Then observe.
Using the analogy of the waterfall consider what might happen if the rock you move causes the waterfall to split and to go in two different directions. Perhaps the volume of water will be more “manageable” when the force of its delivery is cut in half. Perhaps the water now cascading off to the left is directed to a reservoir that will adequately contain and preserve it for a time when it is needed.
Perhaps, once the water fall is split into two, the void in the middle will reveal the valves and levers that control the pump, thrust, volume and the amount of water released – so you can now shut it off.
For many of us that last couple of years has been like that waterfall. Life (call it recession, real estate crisis, gas prices and/or job downsizing) has been coming at us like a torrent. Some of us have been swept away when we took our eye off our task – for others, the change came out of no where.
Many of us believe we are powerless and surrender to the current and let go and proclaiming “what will be - will be.” Others of us fight the good fight, but learn to late that they were fighting with brawn rather than with brain.
During the last couple of years, I have been drenched by the waterfall. I thought I had a plan. I thought I had life all figured out. But then the water came, I found my plan was obsolete and that I had no “plan B”.
The first wave to hit me was the reality that my 12-year, long-term relationship, was unraveling and coming to an end. I wasn’t prepared – I nearly drowned. Then a good buddy had a major stroke – wave two. I had not anticipated being a caretaker, but I took on the challenge – besides it distracted me from the pain of the first wave.
Wave three came when it was time to refinance the home I’d purchased for my partner and me. Values dropped and it would be impossible to refinance for the amount owed. For the first time in my life I was stunned by realities thrust upon me. Nothing was going to plan and I found myself isolating. I couldn’t preach, teach or write now – my life’s a mess!
When I found myself hovering near the same state of depression that enveloped my life right after 9/11/01, I immediately took action. I call my mentor and psychologist. In the very first session he reminded me of a teaching he’s used as a metaphor time after time: “If you want to change the direction of the waterfall –all you have to do is change one rock. “ Calling him was the demonstration of moving that first rock.
The second rock I moved was to call my mortgage holder. My broker and I laid out the facts. If she called the note due, she’d be getting a house back that she would not be able to sell for anything close to what was owed on it. She decided to “freeze” the note for two years.
Emotionally, I decided I needed to lease the house out for that two year period. I’d purchased the house for “us”, if it ever is to be “my” house – I needed some emotional distance - rock three. I called the landlady that owned the one place I’ve lived in Tracy where I felt good. It was vacant. Moving back was like coming home – rock four.
Now, in a testament of honesty, I must say the waterfall of life is still cascading my way faster than I want, but now I’m endeavoring to use my brain rather than my brawn to calculate which rock to move next. Everything in my life must be re-examined. What was true 18 months ago is not be true anymore. There’s a new reality. There are new rocks to be moved.
If you are experiencing a new reality yourself, know that even in the mist of ciaos you can still effect change. Don’t give up; don’t surrender; don’t let go - Just move one rock.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Keep Moving
My blackberry beeped at 11:15 p.m. indicating a new email message had just arrived. I was just preparing to plug the phone into the charger for the night and decided to look at the message – to see who I’d have to call back the following morning. I knew far well, I wouldn’t be responding now since I had been ignoring calls all weekend.
The email read: “I can’t take it anymore. The pills, the stress, and the financial burden of working and being sick at the same time - it’s just too much. Do you know anyone – anyone at all that can help me? – I’m thinking about ending it all.”
Instantly, my fatigue was gone. I quickly dashed to the computer and opened the email on the computer. Regretfully, I didn’t recognize the screen name. I responded back by saying: “If it is this bad – it can only get better. Write me back and tell me more about your situation, so I can address it or refer you to someone who can help.”
Instantly, I received an email back: “It’s all just too much.”
“No – keep talking to me!” But that was it - nothing more. The writer remained anonymous. Was it someone that had read my column? Was it someone I knew – and they just assumed I’d recognize there screen name? Did they know that I was clergy? Why me? Why did I receive this message?
Two hours passed then came another “beep” on my Blackberry. I had now taken the phone under the covers with me and while I had been asleep, I was immediately alert.
“What do you know about terminal illness – why would you care?”
That was it. Still not a clue as to who was writing me. I texted back the following:“I know that you are in pain. I know that you’ve reached out for help – but now you must help me – help you. At least send me your name.” With that, I hit send.
I waited for a response. Nothing. I starred at the phone for twenty minutes. “Come on – write me – let me know who you are!” I kept saying that over and over in my mind.
I woke with a jolt at 5:30 a.m. I quickly glanced at the phone. The red light was blinking. I had a new message. All it said was “Tony”.
“Tony, you must let me know more about your situation. Please let me help.” I hit send once again.
As I showered and prepared for the day ahead, I wondered what it must be like to have no one to reach out too. I’m blessed. I have a varied circle of friends and professional colleagues to reach out too when I’m depressed (even though I rarely do) - What must it be like to have no one?
“Beep” – another message: “I live in Concord. I have HIV. – I can’t take it anymore.”
Finally, information I could use. I immediately referred him to the Contra Costa County’s Department of health’s AIDS Services Program. I forwarded the emails to a social worker that I knew there so she could keep the contact alive. For now, my work was done. I was the “bridge”. Hopefully, I had helped.
I said a prayer, thanking God for allowing me to be a conduit for my anonymous emailer. As I prayed, I also wondered – why me? And why did I suddenly no longer feel depressed?
Then it hit me. I had spent the entire weekend – isolating. It’s what I do when I get depressed. I have to get away from those I love; I have to be alone to wrestle my demons. To me, depression feels like an elephant on my chest. It renders me immoveable. In order to crawl out of it - I have to crawl into it.
Over the years I‘ve learned to cope with it by not denying it, but I’ve yet to conquer it. I have even learned to sense its approach. Whenever I feel that it’s about to show up - I endeavor to keep moving. If I keep moving, sometimes I can avoid it, or once it arrives, it leaves more quickly. However, this past weekend – I was too tired to move and it consumed me. But this time, something else intervened. This time, receiving that email jolted it right out of me. Once I received that email – it was gone.
Perhaps the old adage is true – the best way to help your self is to help someone else. As I left the house this morning, I felt good again. I felt like the Jack I know. And then I reflected – was that why I got that email? Did the universe do what I couldn’t do on my own? Maybe so – I know one thing for sure, I’m glad that something bigger than me, intervened. Tony was helped – and so was I. When all else fails – keep praying and keep moving – go do something for someone else!
The email read: “I can’t take it anymore. The pills, the stress, and the financial burden of working and being sick at the same time - it’s just too much. Do you know anyone – anyone at all that can help me? – I’m thinking about ending it all.”
Instantly, my fatigue was gone. I quickly dashed to the computer and opened the email on the computer. Regretfully, I didn’t recognize the screen name. I responded back by saying: “If it is this bad – it can only get better. Write me back and tell me more about your situation, so I can address it or refer you to someone who can help.”
Instantly, I received an email back: “It’s all just too much.”
“No – keep talking to me!” But that was it - nothing more. The writer remained anonymous. Was it someone that had read my column? Was it someone I knew – and they just assumed I’d recognize there screen name? Did they know that I was clergy? Why me? Why did I receive this message?
Two hours passed then came another “beep” on my Blackberry. I had now taken the phone under the covers with me and while I had been asleep, I was immediately alert.
“What do you know about terminal illness – why would you care?”
That was it. Still not a clue as to who was writing me. I texted back the following:“I know that you are in pain. I know that you’ve reached out for help – but now you must help me – help you. At least send me your name.” With that, I hit send.
I waited for a response. Nothing. I starred at the phone for twenty minutes. “Come on – write me – let me know who you are!” I kept saying that over and over in my mind.
I woke with a jolt at 5:30 a.m. I quickly glanced at the phone. The red light was blinking. I had a new message. All it said was “Tony”.
“Tony, you must let me know more about your situation. Please let me help.” I hit send once again.
As I showered and prepared for the day ahead, I wondered what it must be like to have no one to reach out too. I’m blessed. I have a varied circle of friends and professional colleagues to reach out too when I’m depressed (even though I rarely do) - What must it be like to have no one?
“Beep” – another message: “I live in Concord. I have HIV. – I can’t take it anymore.”
Finally, information I could use. I immediately referred him to the Contra Costa County’s Department of health’s AIDS Services Program. I forwarded the emails to a social worker that I knew there so she could keep the contact alive. For now, my work was done. I was the “bridge”. Hopefully, I had helped.
I said a prayer, thanking God for allowing me to be a conduit for my anonymous emailer. As I prayed, I also wondered – why me? And why did I suddenly no longer feel depressed?
Then it hit me. I had spent the entire weekend – isolating. It’s what I do when I get depressed. I have to get away from those I love; I have to be alone to wrestle my demons. To me, depression feels like an elephant on my chest. It renders me immoveable. In order to crawl out of it - I have to crawl into it.
Over the years I‘ve learned to cope with it by not denying it, but I’ve yet to conquer it. I have even learned to sense its approach. Whenever I feel that it’s about to show up - I endeavor to keep moving. If I keep moving, sometimes I can avoid it, or once it arrives, it leaves more quickly. However, this past weekend – I was too tired to move and it consumed me. But this time, something else intervened. This time, receiving that email jolted it right out of me. Once I received that email – it was gone.
Perhaps the old adage is true – the best way to help your self is to help someone else. As I left the house this morning, I felt good again. I felt like the Jack I know. And then I reflected – was that why I got that email? Did the universe do what I couldn’t do on my own? Maybe so – I know one thing for sure, I’m glad that something bigger than me, intervened. Tony was helped – and so was I. When all else fails – keep praying and keep moving – go do something for someone else!
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